Out of all my childhood memories, why did my brain fail to take a snapshot of that? Can my memories be trusted to be honest and true to life? Perhaps it isn't my memory that has changed, maybe it's just my perception?
Today I went through my cupboard in preparation for a garage sale that I am having this Saturday. Amongst a whole heap of junk, I found a few treasure's. I found a box of old home video's that my Aunty had put on to DVD. I compleeeeetely forgot that I had these. What a fool.
It's quite a weird concept to be able to look back on fragments of your own life, as a movie.
It's also very strange to observe these moments and memories with the wisdom and knowledge that you have acquired over the past nineteen years. The memories that we have, didn't necessarily happen the way we remember them to have happened. As soon as I see the footage, I instantly am reminded of how Nan & Papa's house felt and how it smelt and how much love was there - and I crave it.
It's funny how much you notice, when you know how the narrative plays out. These little bits of footage are tiny fragments of time, which became my reality. A few words here and there, and their tone, were completely over looked at the time of filming. But almost two decades later they are puzzle pieces of life, death, separations and loss of innocence. Puzzle pieces of my life in fact.
It felt strange to see my parents together. It was like I was watching different people. In my minds eye, there is:
a) the people that they were then, together
and
b) the people that they are now.
This made me feel weird and kind of sad. All of the DVD's made me sad to be honest.
Watching thought the footage I felt a myriad of emotions. I saw my Nan & Papa, who have departed this earth. I heard their voices, and it made me feel so filled up with love, and then so empty.
Isn't it weird, that when someone passes away, over time, we just sort of adapt to them not being here? Sure, we miss them, and think about them, and there are occasions when you can't help but wish that they were around to be apart of it all. But after a while, we just become used to it.
I miss my Nan & my Papa. I miss their voices, I miss their warmth, I miss their love for me. I miss most of all, how they anchored my family. We spent so much time together when I was growing up. We were always in each others face's, and at times, like any family, we would fight. However bad the fight, you always knew you were welcome, family were always happy to see you and you were always, always, above all loved.
I think it is the unusual moments in the DVD's that make me the most sad, and at the same time happy.
Such as the scene where my Dad's Mum (Nan) pulls out her jewellery to loan my Mum a necklace. My Mum & Nan didn't always get along the best, after Mum & Dad split. So it was weird for me to see them like this together.
Or the scene where my older cousin Leah and I are playing on the swing. Leah hops off to give me a turn, and I ask her to push me, and she does.
My Dad (Paul) and his sister's husband, also Paul, taking footage of each other, and arguing over who is the "Ugly-Paul" and who is the "handsome-Paul."
Having cuddles with Papa.
Seeing how non-P.C our parent's were:
Climb on the bed? Sure!
Fall off? You're alright!
Walk in front of swings? Well, you'll learn!
If you don't behave? "You'll get a bit of a smack!"
Hearing my Nan's singing voice and her laugh.
These moments, captured on film, are brief but comforting, heart warming treasure's to me.
I wish so much, that my Nan & Papa could have stayed around long enough to meet the more recent additions to our family. I hope that one day, Jhansi & Tino will watch these video's and see how much Nan & Papa loved their Grandchildren, and be comforted in knowing how much light & happiness they would've brought to Nan & Papa's life, and how much they would've loved them too.
I also feel saddened that they aren't around to meet our partners. I think that they would agree that we have made good choices. What I would give for one more Hawkins family lunch, the way it used to be, with a few more fantastic additions.
However, the world continues to turn, and although life is changed forever by some one's departure, life goes on. As I wiped away a few tears last night, as I played Brad the footage, he told me "You can't change the past, and even if you could, It could change everything. If your past were different, we might not have ever met." Pretty wise for a man of little words. As I mulled his words over in my mind I came to a conclusion...
...I miss my Nan & Papa terribly. Perhaps I also miss how they brought us together. My Grandparent's are gone, that I can't change, but the closeness between my family, perhaps is something I can work on.
My family, at my 21st last year.
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