"Life is beautiful, but it's complicated."

When parents separate whilst you are quite young, it's really quite strange, to be reminded that at some point in their lives, they loved each other. In fact it is completely strange. They were once each other's everything - and now? Well, to be blunt - nothing.

Out of all my childhood memories, why did my brain fail to take a snapshot of that? Can my memories be trusted to be honest and true to life? Perhaps it isn't my memory that has changed, maybe it's just my perception?

Today I went through my cupboard in preparation for a garage sale that I am having this Saturday. Amongst a whole heap of junk, I found a few treasure's. I found a box of old home video's that my Aunty had put on to DVD. I compleeeeetely forgot that I had these. What a fool.

It's quite a weird concept to be able to look back on fragments of your own life, as a movie.

It's also very strange to observe these moments and memories with the wisdom and knowledge that you have acquired over the past nineteen years. The memories that we have, didn't necessarily happen the way we remember them to have happened. As soon as I see the footage, I instantly am reminded of how Nan & Papa's house felt and how it smelt and how much love was there - and I crave it.

It's funny how much you notice, when you know how the narrative plays out. These little bits of footage are tiny fragments of time, which became my reality. A few words here and there, and their tone, were completely over looked at the time of filming. But almost two decades later they are puzzle pieces of life, death, separations and loss of innocence. Puzzle pieces of my life in fact. 

It felt strange to see my parents together. It was like I was watching different people. In my minds eye, there is:

a) the people that they were then, together

and

b) the people that they are now.

This made me feel weird and kind of sad. All of the DVD's made me sad to be honest.  

Watching thought the footage I felt a myriad of emotions. I saw my Nan & Papa, who have departed this earth. I heard their voices, and it made me feel so filled up with love, and then so empty.

Isn't it weird, that when someone passes away, over time, we just sort of adapt to them not being here? Sure, we miss them, and think about them, and there are occasions when you can't help but wish that they were around to be apart of it all. But after a while, we just become used to it.

I miss my Nan & my Papa. I miss their voices, I miss their warmth, I miss their love for me. I miss most of all, how they anchored my family. We spent so much time together when I was growing up. We were always in each others face's, and at times, like any family, we would fight. However bad the fight, you always knew you were welcome, family were always happy to see you and you were always, always, above all loved.

I think it is the unusual moments in the DVD's that make me the most sad, and at the same time happy.

Such as the scene where my Dad's Mum (Nan) pulls out her jewellery to loan my Mum a necklace. My Mum & Nan didn't always get along the best, after Mum & Dad split. So it was weird for me to see them like this together.

Or the scene where my older cousin Leah and I are playing on the swing. Leah hops off to give me a turn, and I ask her to push me, and she does.

My Dad (Paul) and his sister's husband, also Paul, taking footage of each other, and arguing over who is the "Ugly-Paul" and who is the "handsome-Paul."

Having cuddles with Papa.

Seeing how non-P.C our parent's were:

 Climb on the bed? Sure!

 Fall off? You're alright!

 Walk in front of swings? Well, you'll learn!

 If you don't behave? "You'll get a bit of a smack!"

Hearing my Nan's singing voice and her laugh.

These moments, captured on film, are brief but comforting, heart warming treasure's to me.

I wish so much, that my Nan & Papa could have stayed around long enough to meet the more recent additions to our family. I hope that one day, Jhansi & Tino will watch these video's and see how much Nan & Papa loved their Grandchildren, and be comforted in knowing how much light & happiness they would've brought to Nan & Papa's life, and how much they would've loved them too.

I also feel saddened that they aren't around to meet our partners. I think that they would agree that we have made good choices. What I would give for one more Hawkins family lunch, the way it used to be, with a few more fantastic additions.

However, the world continues to turn, and although life is changed forever by some one's departure, life goes on. As I wiped away a few tears last night, as I played Brad the footage, he told me "You can't change the past, and even if you could, It could change everything. If your past were different, we might not have ever met." Pretty wise for a man of little words. As I mulled his words over in my mind I came to a conclusion...

...I miss my Nan & Papa terribly. Perhaps I also miss how they brought us together. My Grandparent's are gone, that I can't change, but the closeness between my family, perhaps is something I can work on.

My family, at my 21st last year.

"You're all I need, my love, my Valentine"

On Sunday, Bradley and I spent the day in Wellington together.

After making a few detours to farewell dear Tessy, and to pick-up dear Kelsey from the airport we headed to Reading Cinema's to pay for our tickets. What did we see? 'Valentine's Day' of course! Just in case you didn't know that i'm a walking, talking cliche - now you do. 

After getting the best seats in the house (*yuss!) we headed over to 'Sweet Mother's Kitchen' at the end of Courtney Place. The resteraunt's website describes itself as being  heavily influenced by "New Orleans with Cajun and Creole dishes plus Mexican snack food." I had heard that SMK had Beignet's (Ben-yay-s) on the menu. After hearing alot about Beignet's on television a la Café du Monde. Basically a Beignet is a fired donut, not unlike what Maori call 'Fry-bread". Whatever you call it = sounds yummy.

The place was decorated as if it had been hit by a madi-gra parade. We ordered a takeaway portion of Beignet's, paid our $4, and waited in one of the side booths The service was excellent. As we waited, three different wait staff came and asked if we needed a menu, drinks or to deliver E.T.A's on our fried yum-yum's.

 

And yum-yum's they were. They were more yeasty than a fry-bread but in a good way. They were more crunchy on the outside as well, which made them less stodgy. Oh...and they were covered in icing sugar.We are so keen to go back and try a meal at this fantastic little cafe.

 

So....back to the main event..the movie. We shared a popcorn and a large softdrink. We also had a bag of starburst's (which is weird for us, we usually go for chocolate goodness, or icecreams.)

 

We made our way in to the theatre and a few things ticked me off from the get go. Packed theatre? Cool. Being seated next to a girl with a raging cold. Not cool.

30 pre-teen girls celebrating a freinds birthday party? Cool. 30 girls screaming for Taylor Lautner and booing Taylor Swift, everytime they were on the screen? Not cool.

 

I made Brad swap seats with me claiming that he has a better imune system than me, which is true. I couldn't move the girls though. Bummer.

 

Annnnnyway..the movie. Did I like it? In short...yes. Brad & I both agreed that 'Love Actually' was infact a better "film", but I am a sucker for star power, and 'Valentine's Day' had a whole heap!

 

A few things I liked about the Movie...

 

• The previews: 'Boy', 'Mao's last dancer' and 'Date Night'. All different. All movie's that I will be seeing.
  
  
  

• The details: Julia Roberts' character who's name was Kate Hazeltine. In real life Roberts has one daughter, her name is Hazel. I noticed her last name on her uniform. Too cute! 
  
  
  

• When Felecia slid down the wall after kissing her Valentine goodnight. Awww, nothing beats that young love, heart is going to burst, can't believe this is happening to me, feeling! 
  
  
  

• When we first saw Julia Roberts and Bradley Cooper on the plane, the captain says over the intercomm "...three days of rain". A direct reference to the Broadway play called "Three Days of Rain", in which they also starred along side each other.
  
  
  

• The numerous time's that 'Love Actually' poster was featured in the background
  
  
  

Overall loved the movie. Love the man.

XXX

"Sweet dreams are made of this"

When I was twelve years old, a friend came to stay at my house for the night. During the sleepover, we looked through old magazines, and cut out things that we liked or that we thought were pretty.

We stuck them in to exercise books, along with quotes, sketches, dreams & wishes for our futures. 

A few years went by and all of a sudden I was fifteen. It became very full this exercise book of mine. I was still adding bits and pieces to my little book of dreams, and as time flew by my book developed a focus.

Six years ago when my book became very tattered and almost full, I decided that it needed an upgrade.

So I un-stuck the clippings out of my small book and re-stuck them into this nice, sturdy big book.

I also realised that I may aswell let the book be what it wants to be..A Wedding scrapbook.

A few years ago when Brad & I first moved in together, he stumbled upon my book. He freaked out! 

....Well only a little bit. When I explained to him that i've had the book long before he was on the scene he found the ability to breathe again.

My Girlfriends laugh at me because it's tabbed...

...And it has notes...

..and sketches and colour swatches!

''Cause we belong together now, yeah, Forever united here somehow, yeah, And honestly, My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you"

The Awsome Foursome has finally reunited after five of the longest months. Coincidentally is has also been five of the most busy, jam packed with change and drama months of our lives. However, we are back together again, be it only for a week, but it feels so good to be together again.

Erica, Tess & MK....my life would suck without you. I am so lucky to have three very unique, special, caring and loving friends like you ladies. We all have different strengths and weaknesses, but that's what makes us work so well. I wouldn't have it any other way. Thankyou for being yourselves and for making this friendship what it is...special.

A few things I would like to know...



Where were you when I needed you?



Why is it so hard to show you care?



Perhaps I should have shone a little brighter, played a little harder or sung a little sweeter?

Or maybe I shone a little too bright? I only ever wanted to bask in your light.



You have helped shape me, by not trying to shape me at all.



When I search for answers in my mind, the conclusion that I draw: Large shadows fell because my light illuminated your flaws.



Where are you now, when I need you the most?

'See, I made a space for you now...welcome home'

Last week Brad & I moved back to my Parental home. It was semi-sad to be leaving the first little house that Brad & I had co-habitated in, just the two of us. But all in all I was happy to be moving home.



Things that I am enjoying the most about being home:

Awwww. Pets. Tinkerbell our beautiful Cat & Shiya Manaia crazy puppy extraordinaire.